I Confess...

I've really really sucked at WW this month....and for the past few months too. I've been the same weight since the end of November. Since then I've only been half-assing it along the way. Still losing some weight, but then usually gaining it back the next week, or generally staying between the same 1.5lbs. Brutal.

I have roughly three months until the weather starts getting really nice and I have to take off my parka, and my sweaters, and have to show people what I REALLY look like under those layers. The good news is that three months is do-able. I have about 10-13 more pounds to lose to get back to my personal goal weight, and if I have three months that is just under a pound a week approximately. I need to find my motivation. I don't want to spend another summer thinking about how I would feel better with less weight on me.

Annnnnd: We BOUGHT our first house!!!! Yahoo!!! We went and looked some more after the last post I made, got our finances together and went for it! I feel so happy, and am very excited. It doesn't close until January 2010, so we have a bit of a wait (it still needs to be built) but we're over the moon. I never thought I would be a homeowner at 24, and it feels so awesome!

Superblah Sunday

Instead of Superbowl Sunday. Get it...? Ha ha!

Ah, whatever :) I don't like football.

Good News: The bus strike is overrrrr! Now we just have to wait a week for the buses to actually get back on the road. Sweet freedom cannot come fast enough.

Even better news: Mike and I are in the stages of purchasing our first home! It is the very early stages - we've picked out the builders that we want, and the style, and we're saving to make the down payment in the next few months, but I am very excited!!

Slightly alarming news: I have not really cared about what I've been eating for the past few days. I had a really stellar week before WI on Wednesday and for some reason gained 2lbs. After that gain, I just wanted license to not have to think about my food. I don't think my decisions have been too bad, but it obviously isn't want I want to be doing at this point. I still have 10lbs to lose to get back to my personal goal, and I cannot give up now. I've just been working at this since August, and have fallen into a funk where I no longer feel excited and motivated about it. I feel like counting points is a chore.

It doesn't help that after all of the time I've been in and out of WW (three years now), I still fall into the terrible trap of feeling jealous of people around me who can eat what they want and not have to care about planning, and counting points. It is useless, and only makes me feel bad, but I still get caught up in it now and again.

I am genuinely trying to get these last 10lbs off, but I've been stuck up and down between the same 1.5lbs for almost a month (no matter how diligent or less than diligent I am about my tracking).

I guess it is time to try ANYTHING new to change up my routine and make myself see this challenge in a more inviting light!

I'm Here! I'm Here!

So I just opened my email and got a poke in the brain to remind me to catch up here - Thanks H-Woman! :)

I've been super busy since starting my new job. I really like it, and I am having a great time. However, I am facing a struggle finding the time to get to activities after work. I'm so tired at the end of the day that all I want to do is sit on my butt. I'm working on improving that though. I was working set hours for the first few months of my job, but now my schedule is very flexible, so I'm looking into a few options for some fun activities in 2009. Well, provided that the public transit system (now on strike for 32 friggin days!) comes back soon. I have no vehicle and totally rely on public transit to get anywhere. Biggest. Headache. Ever.

Good news - I've now gotten halfway back to my goal, having lost 12.5lbs of the 26 that I gained while recovering from my Celiac diagnosis. I'm chugging along with this, and getting myself back into routine after Christmas.

Bad News - I've been suffering from some pretty brutal and unpredictable migraines since September, and those have been sidelining me for more days than I would care to admit. I think this is tied to my Fibro, and I do not like it.

I think I may join a running clinic sometime in March. I'd like to participate in Ottawa Race Weekend, and get myself back to running regularly in the spring, and I think that a clinic might be a fun way to do that. I've always wanted to do one and I think it might be a really good time.

I'm looking forward to having a great, healthy year. The last two have been so full of sickness, and doctor's visits, and diagnoses that I feel due for a year where my body and I get along!

WooHoo!!

I got a job!!!!

After months of preparing and applying for tons of jobs, I had an interview on Friday and I got hired! Thank goodness, because I have to pay back my student loans! I still haven't found out all the details yet, but everyone seems super nice and I will find out more tomorrow when I go for a training session.

My weight loss is going well - now down 3.4lbs. It was a bit of a struggle in the beginning - as evidenced by the weekly breakdown in the sidebar. I keep thinking that I have been at this for over 5 weeks and should have lost more. But really, I wasn't honest for the first two weeks that I was at it. So I am going to think of it more in terms of having been at it for a little over three weeks instead, which makes things easier to handle. And I have been totally 110% honest since then. I have been making lots of other mental changes along with WW this time and it feels much different than the other times I have just half-assed it.

I gave up eating candy because I was constantly abusing it and not being honest with my tracking when I ate it. I knew that I couldn't just have a small portion without overdoing it, and so I had to cut it out completely. It has been FORTY FOUR days!! I am super proud of myself for that.

Running is going well too! I am on week 5, day 3 of C25K and I am progressing well. Running very slowly, but running nonetheless. I realized before that I was putting off running because it was much harder than it had been for me before I got sick. Every time I would go I was going out too fast, burning out, and suffering through it instead of taking my time and going slowly. I would run once or twice and then not run for a week or so at a time because I was too scared. This time I am going much slower on purpose. It gives me the chance to complete the run and to actually ENJOY myself. Much better. And it makes me not afraid to run. I've also not allowed myself to make excuses. This is something I want and I am going to have to work hard to get it!

Things are going well

Still chugging along nicely.

I have returned to running again and I am following the Couch to 5K as a refresher. It is a nice way to break up my run and get myself back to where I want to be in time for this. Dare I say that I am enjoying myself? The intervals actually make my runs seem manageable and enjoyable. Instead of being pissed that I am lugging around an extra 20lbs and huffing my way into oblivion I am seeing measurable progress and having a good time. It is like an adidas ad that I have taped to my wall "Halfway through my run I realized that I actually felt good." Yes indeed.

So I've been at WW for almost a month and I am down 2.2lbs. Pretty measly I guess, but I had two weekends in there where I just decided - "Hey, I don't need to track." Bad. I have been back and totally 110% committed for a while. I just can't waste time like that anymore. There is nothing worth going off track for anymore. Hopefully the next few weeks will show some more great results.

Back on the weight loss train...

...wooo woooo!! :)

I have been back on for a week now, and am finally feeling really committed to getting back to my goal weight.

I have been getting really real with myself about what means more to me - eating crap and sitting on my arse complaining about being fat, or actually DOING something to make me feel better about myself. The latter won out.

I have been reading the Beck Diet Solution - which is a cognitive therapy program that goes with any diet you choose. It helps you to cement the thinking that will lead you to behaviours that help you achieve permanent weight loss. It is really opening my eyes to the counter productive thoughts that I have. Some of them are so habitual and so automatic that I was not aware how much of a negative impact they have on my weight loss (and maintenance) efforts. Having something new to work on each day also helps me to keep committed to the program and doesn't allow me to "relax".

I am feeling really great about myself, and feel very positive about this recommitment - as opposed to other times when I felt like recommitting myself to the program was some huge burden.

In my mind I am thinking that if I can be back at goal by October 15th - it will make one year to the day that I was diagnosed with Celiac. That sounds like a great way to bring things full circle.

A long time...

...since my last post and much has happened.

- I graduated, with Honours from the University of Ottawa!!! Woot!

- And, sadly, after a long and brave 7 year fight with Parkinson's disease and Cancer, I lost my beloved Papa (my Dad's father) on June 26th. He meant so much to me in my life and it is hard to believe he is really gone. My family made the long trek out to the east coast for the funeral and it was a long week of driving and crying, and celebrating Papa's life.

I wanted to do something meaningful to remember my Papa - he was an amazing man. So funny, full of life, and happy. All throughout his illness there were times when he was in an incredible amount of pain. However, up to the very last days of his life he maintained a positive attitude and always sought to bring joy to people's lives in any way he could. He was nicknamed "Scotchie" and so while I was on the east coast, I got this tattoo so that I will always remember the way my Papa lived his life.
I liked this location because I knew that I would always see it, and I also heard somewhere that the energy of your left hand/arm is connected to your heart, which I thought entirely appropriate.

As of now, I am back home, doing as much photography as I can, and trying to enjoy what is left of the summer as I look for a job (stressful!!).

I am back in weight-loss mode and have been following WW again. It looks like this time I will be successful in getting back to my "pre-Celiac" weight.

Things are looking good.

Like a slap in the face

the pictures from my 5k went up on the web today, and I got a huge dose of reality.

I KNOW that I am 20lbs heavier than I was when I ran the same race last year. I KNOW that a lot of my clothes don't fit from last summer, and I KNOW that I do not look the same.

But, I just didn't think I looked like THAT.

I started back this week whole-heartedly with my weight loss efforts. I tried between January and March to lose weight and it did not go well and I gave up over the exam period because I was too tired and it required too much effort. Then I just got too comfortable eating what I wanted and stupidly thinking that it wouldn't make a difference in my weight. Idiot.

I am pretty pissed at myself.

I just keep trying to tell myself that if I lost the weight once, I can do it again.

I feel pretty ashamed that I have gained weight back (although admittedly some of it I had no control over), and thinking about spending the whole summer being uncomfortable carrying around this extra weight just makes me sick.

This is what recovery looks like....

... me running again!

My 5k yesterday was awesome!

I have been yearning for a "good" run and have not had one for the past month or so while I have been back running. Not ONE good run. They all left me winded and gross, I could never find my pace, and was never able to run more than 20 minutes at a time or about 2.6km at most.

Yesterday I ran my entire 5k. I knew that if I stopped to walk that it would be harder for me to get running again, so I just slowed down as necessary. Funnily enough, I found my pace so easily yesterday. I expected to get caught up in the start line energy and go out too fast, but I didn't.

Mike was there encouraging me the whole time and I know that made all the difference. He ran MUCH slower than he is used to (he could probably run a 5k in 25 minutes or less!) just so that he could be with me. It meant a lot to me to have him with me crossing the finish line.

I had forgotten how elated I always feel after crossing the finish line at a race. I cried a little - but I was not ashamed. I think I have had a lot of emotion tied up in my illness and trying to get running again and it was nice to feel like my body was working WITH me for the first time in a long time!

My time was not spectacular by any means - about 42 minutes which is a full 9 minutes slower than my fastest 5k time. However, I told myself beforehand that if I cleared 45 minutes I would be happy. Done and done.

As John Bingham says - "The miracle in not that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." It would have been really easy for me NOT to run this race (and believe me, the thought crossed my mind) but I did run it.

I might have been a penguin out there yesterday, but I was out there.

Runningskirts!, Expos, & Reality Checks.

I wrote in to runningskirts.com and told them why I love my mom for Mother's Day and our story got published on their site.

Plus we won two matching running skirts!

Check out the story here. (It is close to the bottom of the page - we're the ones with the green race bibs)

I got to meet Cindy from Runningskirts.com today when I went to pick up my race kit from the Pfizer Health Expo at Lansdowne Park. She was SUPER nice and told met that she remembered my story.

PS - she has just about the smokinest body EVER and she just had a baby in November! She was telling me how bummed she was that she could only run the short distances when she was pregnant, and I was impressed to find out that she was running right up to 37 weeks!!

The Expo was fun today, but since I am broke I had no money to buy running goodies. Boo! I did win a free Running Room hat though :) I saw so many good things that I really liked and I wished that I could have spent more time there.

I have to say that the goodie bags were better last year too - hair elastics and sunscreen last year versus a box of chocolates and some sugar free Werther's Originals (coffee flavoured! eugh!) this year. Did I mention that there was a "food court" at the expo, serving those teeny fried donuts covered in powdered sugar? Devils.

I think they should serve those teeny donuts at the marathon finish line instead. :)

I'm not sure how I feel going into this race. I have been thinking about it a lot - probably too much. I have discussed my recent concerns with my running lately, and they have not gotten any better. In fact, the pain is more consistent in my joints (with or without exercise) than it was before. Tylenol Arthritis is my friend.

I was feeling as though if I have to go and run and I cannot run the whole thing, that I will have failed.

Today, as I told someone "Oh I am JUST doing the 5k" I thought - Wait a second.

I'm not JUST doing the 5k. I am DOING the 5k. And whether I have to run or walk, or crawl the entire time, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I don't finish, and it doesn't matter how long it takes me.

What matters is that I am healthy enough to even CONSIDER it at this point.

I ran this race last year just as I was becoming very ill. Now I will run this race and I am becoming very healthy again.

Instead of feeling badly that I can ONLY run the 5k (gosh I feel silly for saying that!), or that maybe I can't even run the whole thing (big deal!), I choose to use this race as a benchmark for health, and achievement.

I can run again. And THAT is what matters.

uugh.

So, I already know running is hard.

What I NOW know is that running is even harder when you get sick and try to recover the cardio abilities lost over a year of being couch-bound.

What I don't understand is why it seems to be so goddamned hard for me.

I have been out on numerous runs, trying to get ready for this 5K at the end of the month and it is doing little more than making me very, very angry.

I am angry that I lost my ability to run just when I was getting good at something I have always dreamed about being good at. I am angry that I worked so hard to get to my lowest weight last year, and that as soon as that happened, I got sick and gained 20lbs. I'm angry that a lot of my clothes don't fit, I am angry that I wake up in so much physical pain some days, and I am angry that I don't feel HEALTHY yet.

I feel like a prisoner in this body.

I just have no idea what this is about - why my body doesn't feel 'normal' yet, and why I can only run 2.6k right now, and when I do it just about kills me.

I know that not every day is a good running day, but I'd kill for just ONE good day among the crap right now.

I don't feel at all motivated to run right now - the pain and the struggle and all the bullshit seems like it is just not right.

I have the desire. I feel jealous when I see other people running, and I know that I will feel bad if race weekend comes and goes, and I do nothing. I have the desire to be out running because it feels good, and the desire to be where I was last year in terms of fitness and running but I just have zero clue about why it is so mentally and physically painful for me at this point.

No pain no gain, right?

However, I can't help but feel like I shouldn't be suffering this much.

Done!!!

I am done my undergraduate degree!!!

I wrote my last exam on Sunday night and it was haaaaard!

However, I feel great to be done, and when I got home, this was waiting for me:


It is a Canon Rebel XTi, a digital SLR camera. My boyfriend bought it for me as a gift for graduating. He says that I have worked so hard in the past year and that I deserve it - I agree!
I love photography and have always wanted to get a more sophisticated camera, but I have not been able to justify the purchase in the last five years while I have been in school. Now, with the time off that I have, I can learn all about the camera and put it to good use.

I am feeling a little weird now that I am done. Kind of a "what now?" feeling. I feel a little bored too, going from hours and hours of homework, to all kinds of time to myself. It feels weird, but also kind of good. I will be doing some traveling in May - going to Montreal on the long weekend, and also to visit my parents in early May as well. I think it will be a nice time for me and I look forward to enjoying it!

I have been getting back to a regular running schedule. I haven't been on a running schedule for almost a year, so it is slow going. I remain optimistic. I have a few weeks to get ready for my race, so I should see some improvements.

A bit of calm in the chaos...

That is what I'm experiencing now.

I have completed all my papers (A+, B+, B+!) and have written two of my three exams (I THINK they went alright - I hate predicting). I have one more exam, and a take-home exam to write, before this Sunday. I feel like I have a bit of leeway in terms of time, so I took a mental break today. It was nice.

I am still a bit paralyzed by the "What if something goes wrong and I don't graduate" paranoia, but I feel like it is less so.

Thinking about my future has occupied a lot of my time lately. I try to envision what kinds of jobs I can see myself in, and I can't see anything specific. I've been looking at a lot of job opportunities with non-profit organizations, and a lot of those are appealing to me.

I saw Romeo Dallaire (love him!) speak a few weeks ago, and it was inspiring. He encouraged the youth (people up to 30!) in Canada to make a difference, not just in Canada, but in the world. It was really empowering to listen to him speak, and I am so glad I was able to attend. (I also got my book "Shake Hands with the Devil" signed, and I got to shake hands and have a short conversation with him. I was totally in awe.) Listening to him speak has given me more of a sense of where I would like to see myself in a few years, and has given me a lot to think about in terms of what is important to me in my life.

I have no idea what is to come for me in the next weeks and months in terms of employment, or personal change, but I have a feeling that no matter what it is, I am prepared to handle it!

P.S.

I will be making my "official" running comeback on May 25, 2008.

Quarter Life Crisis.

I am not sure if the time in my life is to blame, but I feel so confused about so many things.

First - I am bit terrified about how my life is going to change once I am finished school. I feel very upset by the fact that I don't have "a plan" and everyone in my senior classes seems to have some idea of where they are going after graduation. Saying that I have no plan, makes me feel ashamed. At the same time, I am totally lost for ideas of what to do with my life. The traditional desk job does not sound like it is right for me, (the short time I spent in Co-op almost killed me) but I am at a loss for other ideas.

I am excited to be finishing school, but terrified at the same time that something is going to go wrong. Like things are too good to be true.

I am also struggling personally a lot as well. I have spent the last year of my life incredibly ill.lost Because of this, I have lost contact with the few friends that I did have because I just couldn't keep dates and had too little energy to make them. I have never made friends easily, and now that I am actually feeling better, it seems that I have no one. DBF goes out with his friends and it leaves me incredibly lonely because it only reminds me that I have no friends. It was as if people just got sick of waiting for me to get better, which is kind of sad. I was never good at making friends in the first place, and I have no idea how to find them again.

I am just not sure what to do to resolve all these thoughts that I am dealing with. I feel like I am drowning in them at times.

I feel as though I am struggling so hard to find my place in life, and I have this strong feeling like I am supposed to do something MORE than what I am. I feel as though there is something out there that I am destined to do (and silly as that may sound to some) but I just have not figured out what that is yet.

Is this really what your twenties is for? Being confused?